I am a mother of a 10 months old baby with a boyfriend who has a very high sexdrive. Here it is, my boyfriend has put on a lot of weight since we started dates. He’s weighs over 110kg and even more. When I met him he was very fit and spent time taking care of his health... all that is gone. With the weight came a very high sexdrive from his part... he says “some men have very high testosterone that cannot be controlled in anyways and this makes them have very high sex drive and when they don’t have sex regular der become irritated or even aggressive”. I told him to find a way to substitute the thought of regular sex with something else, for example, he should try going to the gym and watching what he eats, all and all take care of his health. Honestly his weight is part is the reason why my sex drive is gone down the drain, sometimes I genuinely get scared that he might crush me during sex and these stresses me during the act. We also can’t do the positions I enjoy anymore because of his weight, he’s out of breath during the act and it’s just really a quick thing now which makes me feel like we are just doing it for him. If I try to be honest with him about the the negative affect his weight actually has on our sex live, he gets depressed and I become the bad guy. He goes to the gym twice a week and then comes back home and eats junk... like what’s the point, it’s almost like he does it to shut me up.
He’s very upset with me because he says I do not want to take the time to understand how testosterones work and how much it affects men especially him. I don’t want to be pressured into having sex to calm someone’s testosterones. I feel like he’s so focused on his satisfaction that he hasn’t heard a word of what I said, I literally told him openly and honestly that his weight is affecting our sex life and it makes me not want to have sex at all. I literally don’t care if I go a life time without sex at this point, yet he doesn’t take that into account. Why not make an effort to loose weight and get our normal acrobatic sex love back on track? I feel like my pleasure does not matter, all that maters is calming down HIS testosterones through ejaculation. My question is... is it really through, does high testosterones lead to high sex drive? And is sex the only solution?
A lot has probably changed in your life since you became a parent, this is completely natural and may take some time to adjust to.
Sexual activity is on equal terms and you have the right to say no if you do not want to. If so, explain why so that your partner can understand your needs and can change for the better. Hope the desire comes back to your relationship.
Those who are overweight run the risk of getting lower testosterone levels than a normal weight person. In this case, the testosterone deficiency can make you feel mentally ill and it can then be experienced as becoming more aggressive for that reason.
If you can not solve this as a couple, there are different kinds of help to get to solve this. It is important that you solve this otherwise the relationship itself will be destructive. Take care of yourself and seek help if you can not solve it yourself.